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Inappropriate comments, jokes, or questions often seem harmless - especially if it appears no one is bothered by what is said - but they serve to reinforce harmful stereotypes and are often a sign of career-impacting discrimination to come.
As the victim or target of these microaggressions, you may shrug off these situations as not being worth the hassle and potential repercussions of speaking up. However, ignoring the underlying discrimination they reveal and not taking proactive action may make it much more difficult for you to protect your career if and when the discrimination leads to a denied promotion or unfair termination.
In this post we’ll explore real-life examples of inappropriate comments, questions and jokes including what you should watch for and how you can protect your career.
Inappropriate Comments: The Canary in the Coal Mine
Inappropriate comments perpetuate assumptions and stereotypes about what a person can or will do. Even when the intent behind a comment was not to offend, it reveals an underlying bias that could become problematic.
For example, it is not uncommon for an individual with an “invisible disability” - a medical condition that significantly impacts their daily life, but is not easily visible to everyone around them - to hear comments like:
'You don’t look disabled'
'You don’t look sick.'
Comments like this reveal a bias that individuals with a disability will look or behave a specific way that makes them easily identifiable. On the other hand, this comment could also be an early indication that they will now treat you differently because of the disability.
As an example, let’s say you reveal to your boss that you have Lupus. Your boss is clearly surprised, stating “You don’t look sick” and “You do such great work, I had no idea you had a disability.” You don’t think much about the comments and just inform him you’ve had it for decades and you have never let it impact your work.
However, soon after this conversation you realize your workload has been reduced and you’re suddenly being given less favorable opportunities. When you ask why, your boss tells you they read up on Lupus and saw stress is a trigger so they were trying to adjust your workload accordingly. When you counter that you didn’t request accommodations, the buried discrimination is revealed when they inform you they were worried the extra stress of the projects could trigger a Lupus flare up and if you missed work that would delay delivery. Eventually the discriminatory assumptions and decisions your boss is making have a long-term impact that makes it impossible for you to get promoted.
Inappropriate Questions: Bias Disguised As Concern
Inappropriate questions are often used to poorly conceal bias and discrimination. The questions are framed as general interest or concern, but they could also suggest that the person asking defaults to believing a problem exists even when there isn’t one.
For example, a mother is about to go on maternity leave and her boss asks her questions like:
'Are you planning to return after maternity leave?'
'Are you worried that the baby will be a distraction when you return?'
'Will you be able to keep up with your work assignments?'
These questions, especially when asked repeatedly in multiple different ways indicate that her boss believes the employee becoming a mother will impact her ability to deliver regardless of whether or not there is any evidence to suggest this is true.
The mother ignores her concerns about the repeated questions, but after returning she finds her boss seems to believe she isn’t capable of handling the same workload as she was before. No matter how many attempts the new mother makes to insist that she can still handle demanding projects, travel when required and deliver as she did before, her boss leaves her off the assignments citing that she’s a new mother and is still adjusting. Six months later, the woman is selected for layoffs and she strongly believes it’s due to the reduced workload she was given compared to her peers.
It is only at this point that the woman can look back and see the escalating discrimination that began with inappropriate questions disguised as concern and concluded with her being laid off.
Inappropriate Jokes: Humor At Someone Else's Expense
Inappropriate jokes are used to disguise discrimination as harmless humor, but they are no less effective at perpetuating harmful stereotypes and normalizing negative perceptions about a person or group of people.
For example, an IT director in his 30’s often makes jokes targeted at an employee on his team who is 15+ years his senior, such as:
‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’
‘It must be the Alzheimer's kicking in’
‘When are you retiring? You’ve been here forever!’
These jokes are not only disrespectful, but they carry a message that the person is less valuable and less capable in the workplace because of their age. Overtime, the director’s behavior can spread to the rest of the team who believe the jokes are acceptable, making the problem worse and the environment even more hostile for the individual.
Eventually the individual is put on a performance improvement plan because of their inability to deliver, but what is ignored is the fact that neither the boss or the individual’s coworkers have given the individual opportunities to succeed due to misconceptions on what he is capable of supporting.
What to do if this is happening to you?
It can seem overwhelming to document each inappropriate comment, question or joke that is made, but as we’ve outlined in this post, the early minor incidents and pattern of escalating bias are key to presenting a clear picture of discrimination. Since no one will build this timeline for you, taking action and protecting your career will require you to capture each incident.
It is possible that the inappropriate statement was an isolated incident and never comes up again, but if it’s continuous, you need to inform the individuals and/or your boss that the behavior makes you uncomfortable. When you do raise your concerns, take note of the reactions you get. If the reaction is defensive or dismissive, it is likely the behavior will continue and you should make a decision about next steps accordingly. At the very least, you should capture your memories of each incident including - date, what was said and who witnessed it.
Need help getting started? JustiProof guides you through documenting and building a discrimination case in a way that compels HR to act or when necessary, helps you get the legal support you need.
Did you know this post is part of a series?
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